THE REALITY OF LIVING IN COMMUNITY
by Allen Hancock, Du•ma Community
Make no mistake about it, living in an intentional community can be the most rewarding and challenging experience you’ll ever have in your life. If living in community sounds appealing, why is it so difficult and why aren’t there more thriving intentional communities? The major barriers to creating community are the unspoken, internalized values we accept as part of the culture we live in.
To begin with, we all have romantic images about living in community embedded deep within our psyche. The word “community” brings up pleasant images of the Waltons making apple cider and helping the neighbors build a barn. While these images can be a part of the group living experience, the word “community” doesn’t usually bring up images of 4 hour meetings or having to deal with people who are antagonistic and irresponsible. When our romantic images of community don’t match reality we feel frustrated and disillusioned. Because our society indoctrinates people to expect quick results, we are likely to yearn for some other life experience that more closely matches our romantic ideals. Thus, when living in community, “the grass often looks greener on the other side.”
Second, very few people have experience creating durable relationships with people who are very different from themselves. Communication and conflict resolution skills are extremely important in creating community. Without these skills, people who engage in conflict often leave the community and those remaining frequently don’t represent a diversity of viewpoints and backgrounds. Unfortunately neither schools, businesses, nor parents teach these skills, so most of us have to make the decision to consciously learn these skills as adults.
Third, living in community brings up all kinds of emotional distress within people. As we live with one another, we observe disturbing behavioral patterns in ourselves and in others. These include patterns of isolation, control, denial, addiction, etc. We must each face our own patterns and support others to become introspective if we wish to create a healthy, sustainable community. Again, many of us have little experience confronting others and honestly looking at our own patterns, so we must make a personal commitment to practice compassionately confronting one another and ourselves on these issues. Sadly, many people simply aren’t in a place in their lives to accept these challenges.
Fourth, establishing a community requires a lot of work to gain momentum. Communities don’t have the laws, tax advantages, private or governmental support that other enterprises receive. Organizational and financial systems are different than “mainstream” groups, so they take a long time to develop. Establishing agreements, construction, planting gardens, and new projects take consistent energy to complete. Basically, “re-inventing the wheel” takes a substantial investment of time, money, and energy.
Fifth, people tend to prioritize community after work, school, travel, etc. In other cultures, people value community/family highly because they know that if they lose their job or they become ill that others will provide support. But in America, we are given the message that we must each “stand on our own two feet.” Many people, even those living in community, can hardly imagine receiving financial, emotional, or physical support from others when difficult times arise. Rather, we tend to resist such offers.
Finally, it takes a long time for folks to change their mind-set from “me” to “we.” We have been conditioned in our society to think of our own needs first while overlooking that often the group’s needs better satisfy the individual’s needs. People new to community speak of the group as “them” rather than “us,” and speak of “voting” and creating “policies” instead of reaching consensus and making agreements. And for those who have never owned a home before, it takes a while to move beyond the rental mind-set to an attitude of investment, responsibility, and the freedom of home ownership.
If living in community is so difficult, why do so many people yearn to live together? Perhaps because we intuitively sense that living together for our mutual benefit is more fulfilling than the highly individualistic lifestyle that exists in our society. For most of human history people have been living with a much higher level of interdependence–we just have to re-learn the process. Community also provides an opportunity for immense personal growth, while providing a solution to many of the world’s problems. It’s profoundly satisfying to nurture supportive, trusting friendships in a turbulent and transient world…
If living in community sounds appealing to you, think about it carefully–the rewards are accompanied by numerous challenges.